Going, Going, Gone

What happens when the passion is gone?

From a relationship, from a hobby, from your life?

The passion is gone. Not officially, but from the looks of it, it seems as though the chapter has ended on that portion of my life. While I want to remain passionate, and I want to say that this is what I want to do, and while I have put in hundreds of hours of time and effort and thought, I just don't want to do it anymore. I feel like when I return, a piece of me is lost, lost in the need to complete something, and not the desire to do well. I want to say that it all seems worth it in the end, that maybe going back to it again and again will some how pay off, but it's not.

Sometimes you say, let me give it more time, another year, another chance, and when that chance disappoints you more than before, when do u decide that it's time to stop, that the time to keep trying has ended. I once thought that this hobby of mine would take me places, that I could capitalize on an ability that very few could boast, but after beating this horse for a few years, when do I realize that it's dead?

And while I want to so desperately let go, I keep thinking, maybe this time will be different. Maybe there could be some change, maybe, if I try harder, and put in more thought, and give it my all, maybe then the passion will return, but even in my moments of short lived success, there is still an dissatisfaction. And what makes it all harder is when you see the other things you could do, when you get a taste, a whiff, of life outside this time-consuming "passion", and the liberation that you could experience, you wanna give up the fight. You wanna move on to bigger and better things, but you can't because what if they aren't as big and good as you thought? What if your mind changes? What if you miss what you once thought you were?

I have built my life around this hobby, and here I am, wanting to rip the rug from under what was once a sound operation. I want to make everyone happy, but what if making everyone meant I lost who I was as a person. I want to make myself happy, but what if that means I lose who I am as a person. Which loss is greater? I want to discover who I am and who I could be, but with this burden on my back I can't. So the question remains, should I give up everything I have am to see what I can become, or should I keep everything I have become because this is who I am?