A Great Chance?? I'll Pass.

School started so life is going faster than I know what to deal with but such is life and yada yada yada.

What if you got the chance or opportunity to be confronted with something that you wanted so badly it hurt? What if someone told you, show up to this place and everything you want will be waiting? Would you really be willing to go to that? To actively pursue what you wanted? Or would the fear of being fooled or juked hold you back?

I wanna say I would grab life by the balls and roll with it, but something of this nature has occurred, and frankly, I'm scared. As much as I would like to walk up to my dream and say, yes, absolutely, I'm waiting, I don't know if I can. I want to hide from it, because my dream has hurt me and my pride before, and to do that again would be suicide.

But with all this, I still want in. I still want to go and say that everything I want is there waiting for me, and that I am happy because of it, and that my life has changed. So I'm walking in, heart open, and mind ready. Here goes nothing.

So I Have Been A Little Emo Lately, NO MORE

Friendships

This is something that I have been shaky about from as long as I can remember. I had this thing where I got attached to a person, and then they would leave, or I would leave, or we would leave. Basically, we would be best of friends one year, and then there was a switch to just a passing glance and no more. I used to be upset and confused by this, and by used to, I mean like yesterday. But then I thought about it:

I'm pretty sure plenty of people go through the same thing, the situation where things change and people change. And while they might not have experienced it to the degree that I might have, we have all been there, so I'm not that special. Instead, I took the time to reflect on the friends I have now.

While, in the past, I would normally start panicking about how they would not be my friends in the future, I decided today, now, that I'm just going to enjoy my friends in the state they are, in the here and now. It's typical for me to question everything, and wonder why I am friends with these people and better yet why they are friends with me? What makes me so special that you want to invite me to things? That you want to include me in things? That you actually want my opinion?

The sheer fact that it happens again and again, and that my presence is a necessity, is something that I have craved for years, and now that I have that, I just want to bask in that. I have great friends. Solid. After I was emo-ly (this is a word) wondering why I didn't have any best friends, someone told me that no one has a friend that they can be everything with. No one has that person that they can go to when they want to do anything, that friend that they can play sports with, and shop with, and listen to that strange band with, but that's how its supposed to be.

We are meant to have a support GROUP not a support person, so instead of me sitting and pontificating about how sad I am, and how depressed I am, I'm going to appreciate the core that makes up my friends now, and call it a day.

Are You Feeling Lucky?

What's this talk about intimidation?

When I pose the question why not me, I always, and I mean always get the response because guys are intimidated by you. By what though? Is it my stature? Is it my voice? Is it my way of twisting words to make you come off looking the fool?

In the end, I sigh and simply take it as it is. It's to the point where my dad agrees that I can be intimidating. His answer to my question is to somehow lessen my personality and become a suddenly demure girl..............who grew up in a house of rowdy boys.........with no real friends in my childhood.....................yeah, not gonna happen. But then by lessening my personality, would I come off as a shy, insecure girl? And THEN would I get the proper type of attention? I have a feeling that that may not be the case.

So then my mom offers her 2 sense saying be yourself, but just don't talk as much. As much I would like to stop, you have to understand that you have nurtured a monster for 20 years, so that's gonna take more than a simple request to change. Besides, by being myself, that in it's very nature would mean being as extra as I really am.

Then I start to think, why am I not the one who says something. I'm always complaining about being called intimidating, so why haven't taken the initiative to go after someone? Why haven't I decided that since they are going to be giant pussies, I will wear the balls and ask them? It seems that I myself am actually intimidated. I just like the guy, fear rejection to the point that I am not willing to put myself out there in the slightest way. I am so far introverted, that I don't even know how, even if I tried, to put myself out there.

I am a scared little girl, and most girls can identify with this. What most girls can't identify with is the "problem" of being intimidating, so they are a lot more likely to have some guy channel their insecurities and swoop in to the rescues. People like me fall into this place where the guy simply thinks you have it all figured out, and you don't need him to swoop in. What the guy doesn't understand is that, because I'm so "intimidating" a swoop in, is exactly what I need because, ironically enough, I have become insecure about not being insecure. Sheesh.

This seems more like a rambling, but I really just want to know why I am so intimidating? People make assumptions about me and my background, and assume that my actions are motivated by typical causes, when in reality, more lies beneath the service. Sure it's scary to put yourself out there, and this goes for me too, and sure rejection hurts like a little b****, but if we do get what we want, isn't that risk soooo worth it?

Change = Confidence

Sometimes it's time for a change. Sometimes it's time to shake things up. We get so accustomed to a certain routine, always doing the same thing, day in and day out, and for sanities sake, there is a need, a desperation really, to switch it up, and that's something that I'm pretty good at.

I'm the type of person who looks at her shoes and thinks, my shoes look....the same. Time to go shopping. I'm the type of person, who looks at her room and thinks, I'm gonna rearrange everything. I'm the type of person who looks at her hair, and thinks I'm tired of short hair, time for braids. It's not impulsive, it's necessary. I enjoy the idea of looking different, of seeming different, of people not being able to predictable. Maybe that's me predictable, but I just like to have change.

Honestly, I think more people should adopt this mentality. More people should be willing to try that color that you don't think you can pull off. More people should be willing to try those earrings that they think they can't do. More people should be willing to try to change small or large things that are part of their lives, because while there is a chance that this could be disastrous, there is still the chance of it being exactly what you needed. It could be chance for you to experience life in a way that is so new and wonderful for you.

While this sounds dramatic, practically speaking, trying to make yourself that much better could be the difference feeling unsure and you feeling confident. Maybe that haircut seems crazy and impossible for you to pull it off, but maybe if you think you can pull it off, that's half the battle. Confidence is not something that just slaps you in the face, it's not about being cocky. It's not even about being better than anybody. Confidence is simply knowing who you are and being willing to accept what life throws at you and make it work.

D, None Of The Above

I want something or someone so badly, but I can't have them...at least right now. Now what do I do?

A situation this sticky sucks, and many of us have been there...again and again. I have a few options: I could wait, I could be angry at them, I could be sad with myself, or I could let him know and actually have an answer so I can move forward away from him or toward him. Currently, I am in this situation where I want a person, but the time is all wrong, and they aren't ready. What to do what to do?

A: Here's what could happen if I wait:

So he's not ready now, but he will be ready at some point right? I will just give him his space; I will give him time to see that I'm exactly what he needs. Sure he's sprung over that girl, sure he wants to experience the world, sure he wants to be a bachelor, but I'm here and he has to know that I'm better than that, that I can give him exactly what he needs and wants. I will just wait for him to realize this, subtly sending him hints that I like him.

Two years later, I am still pining, and he is finally ready to put himself out there......to be with that other girl. Perfect.

So this is a no.

B: Here's what could happen if I get angry:

I would lash out. I would write hate letters to him. I would pick up song writing and then write a song about his life would suck with me and how he is making a mistake not loving me then and there. I would become a poet so that I could write a sonnet about how much he's missing out on, how this body could have been his, how this mind could have been his, how this heart could have been his, but he missed out so he's gonna regret that for life.

I'm bitter, and anger takes up time so I waste an interesting amount of time being angry, and no time getting over it.

Yeah, I don't think so.

C: Here's what could happen if I got sad:

I would mope, wallow, and cry. I would search out every song in the world about a broken heart. I would drive down the road, turn the sad song all the way up, and then cry some more. I would question, ponder, and look out of it. Everything would be a trigger, a reminder of what I could have had, of what I wanted so badly but I could not make happen. I would start a blog making a call for all the hearts that have been broken by someone close.

I'm just stuck in this mindset of being sad, and I cannot move forward. I cannot taste freedom so I sit around, and I'm sad.

Somehow, that doesn't sound appealing either.

D: Here's what I should do:

Me: Hey, um do you want to go to the [fun activity that couples can do] together and then maybe get something to eat?

Him: [It doesn't matter what he says]

You or I or we need to put ourselves out there before we get to any of these points of pining or anger or sadness. We need to test the waters just to at least know if there is any chance. If he answers sure why not, but then he's on his phone, he did it because he likes you as a friend and not much more, and he does not know how to say so, so save him and you the trouble and pay attention. If he says sure why not, and then he is attentive the whole time, engaging in conversation with the occasional flirt, then there may be hope. If he says, um I don't like museums so I'm gonna pass, what he really means is that he doesn't like you so I'm gonna pass. If a guy likes a girl he will do just about anything to spend time with her. Either way, at least you know what the answer to the ever-plaguing question, does he like me, is.

Now it's time for me to follow my own advice.

You Talk Too Much...Good

Communication, communication, communication. Why oh why do we refuse to do something that could save us a lot of heart ache and pain. We insist on making things this convoluted puzzle that we don't even know how to solve....and we were the ones who made it in the first place. We always talk about simplifying things to reduce stress, but the very way to do this we ignore because that makes sense....right?

I wanna say that I always communicate, that I always make things easier for myself; and while I do this most of the time, there have been times when I totally went for the most complicated when completely skirting the obvious option of communication, and almost gotten myself kicked out of the house at the tender age of 6.

In elementary school, the concession stand was the place to prove your worth. This was the place to show that you had the goods to be popular: the place where you proudly displaced your junk food as a sign that you had made it to the hierarchy of the playground politics. As a child with a strange accent struggling to make friends with anything that moved, I knew that in order to prove my worth, I would need to get the necessary funds to purchase my power.

I could not go to my parents for this because junk food was against their religion (well not really, but they were not for rotting their child's teeth, and what parent would) so I had to go to other outlets. I did not work, so I had to be creative. I would take the money that was supposed to be set aside for offering, pocket it and buy small goodies, but a dollar was not suffice. I needed more, I needed power. So I had a short career as a thief.

One day, I saw my dad's wallet sitting on his drawer, and I went to it. My hands shook, as I nervously looked around, waiting to be caught, but no one came. So I opened it, and took all the money out of his wallet. I sneaked the money in my bag and waited for him to notice, but he did not, so I went about my business, conjuring up all the snacks I could afford with $27. The next day, as any child in my position would, I brought the cash out and showed my peers that I had what it took; I had the goods to be accepted into the cool kids society.

Too bad that when a 6 year old whips out $27 in class and starts showing it off, the teacher is not to happy with the disturbance. She was so displeased with my behavior, that she took the money, packaged it, and then had my father pick me up from class. She was concerned as to why a child would have that much money so she gave it too my father. This made for a fun night.

That night was miserable, one of the worst I have ever had. I was sat in a chair, with both of my parents facing me drilling me with questions as to where I got the money to which I answered "I don't know." My dad even asked me if I had gotten the money from his wallet, and I denied it. I refused to communicate with him and tell him, yes I did. Worst case scenario, I would get a whooping and be in trouble for a night, then end. But I kept lying. I was sent out of the house, up a driveway, and then asked if I was ready to tell the truth, which I was not. I would not tell him. I finally went to bed late late at night with me not telling the truth. My mother came in later on in the morning before she went to work, and told me she knew. They both knew.

The problem was that I knew they knew, they knew I knew, but I refused to just say that and receive my punishment. I caused agonizing pain for myself and my parents because I refused to simply say what I felt, what was real. Again I say, why oh why do we insist on making our lives difficult by not doing the right thing and just talking it out: being completely honest with ourselves first off, and then those around us.

Do me a favor: be completely honest and communicate about everything for a day and see how that goes.

Internal Warfare

You know what's the worst: being a sure person who has no clue. I wanna say I have it all figured out, and usually, I do have it all figured out, but I am at a point in my life where I have nothing figured out, where things are in a state of turmoil and confusion, and truly it sucks. I like to have all my plans well laid out so at least there is some guideline to follow but every aspect of my life is unsure, undecided, and just plain unclear. It's a classic case of being at war with your own mind. There is the third world war taking place in my mind, and I don't know what to do. I get sick to my stomach imagining all the turmoil I find myself in, and it is disheartening.

Career-wise, I am totally clueless. I am being pulled in 14342 directions by my own mind and that is frustrating. Being at war with myself sucks, because no matter if I win, I lose, because I was on the other side. I want to do the smart thing, but I want to do the thing that will make me happy, but I want to do the thing that will make...oh I don't even know, I'm just at a loss, and it's really frustrating.

In the midst of writing this, my life found a way to get a little bit harder. I'm working at a good company this summer, and it's really cool, but it is in no way what I want to do. It's semi-resume building, but with the way school is for me, I need a little better than semi. And then there is this other company that I am being interviewed for, and this company is resume building, and might just be exactly what I want to do with my life, like we are talking career worthy. I thought maybe I can just quit the one job I am currently at, and go for the better one, but then the job I am at currently wants me to meet with the Human Resources because I was referred by someone big, like huge in the company. Now while this would normally be amazing, I am in the midst of being interviewed for a better job, and I don't want to let anyone go, but that is just not an option. I am freaking out.

Of course, there is the confusion of the opposite sex. I am an outgoing person when it comes to everything but men I am interested in. In that area I falter, and it seems like this is the time for me to step out of my shell, get out of the friend territory, and show my true colors so when that the special someone comes along I am available, but of course I am at war with myself, and I won't let myself out of my cage long enough to let a person know how I feel. So I am beating myself up for not going after what I want, but the reason I won't go after what I want is because I keep telling myself I'm not ready. I want to be more than a friend to that person, but I would lose the comfort that I find in the friend zone. Once again, a battle that I cannot win.

Basically, in everything that is near and dear to me has found a way to confuse and frighten me, and it's really hard. I want to make everyone happy, especially myself, but how can I make me happy, when I don't know what me wants. Usually, there is some answer tied up in a bow, waiting to be picked up by our minds, but this time, I have none. My answer is to keep searching for answers. Maybe it will resolve itself, or maybe it's time I, you, we, got off our asses, and decided that we weren't done until an answer is received. *Sigh* And I'm told it only gets harder.

They Are Literally in Your Nose

People are put in our pathways for a reason. I learn this lesson more and more every day, especially after I entered my first year of college two years ago. Now this was a new arena for me, coming from a very sheltered, very conservative background, and I was so excited for the change. College was the place for me to let my hair down and show the world what I was made of, or at least that was how I imagined it. This was the time for me to meet new people, learn my lessons, and truly take advantage of life in a way that gave me the experiences I craved.

Now in my school, the dorms are all co-ed, and there are only two floors in the entire university reserved for single-sexes, and I bet you can guess which floor I ended up on. At first, I was infuriated. Here everyone was experiencing the true joys of college life, like seeing the boy walk by in a towel, and I was stuck with these girls who I imagined as weird lepers who did not have a modicum of interest in joining the lot of us “normal” people. Boy was I wrong.

When I arrived, I got to meet all the girls. I look around, each face blending into the next: each face promising to be weirder than the next, blander the next. I took it in stride. I knew that my time would be best spent elsewhere with people who were more like me or the me that I so badly wanted to be. And of course in the nature of the first weeks of school, I moved from group to group, where I finally landed in the crowd that all my life I wanted to fit into.

I made it work, returning week after week, day after day, and each day an emptiness settled into my chest; each visit, a piece of me went missing, until I realized that this was no way to live. I knew I needed a change, but the only way to execute this change was to not leave my room. As I spent more time in my room, I had time to cultivate relationships with the girls on my floor that I had once shunned and claimed as strange, and I realized that I had more in common with them than I had even cared to admit. This was a group of girls that I could truly be myself with, a group that I did not feel it was necessary to put on a show, a character that I figured as appropriate for the situation. These were the girls that I was able to develop who I was, so that when someone asked who I was, I had at least an idea.

This is not the most ideal situation for a person to be indoctrinated into college – by a bunch of girls who, just by the idea of a single-sex floor, seem to not have a grasp on reality – however these girls were the very reason that I was able to grasp the reality of who I was. These girls were put in my path way not to stunt my growth or to hinder what I could be, but rather for the purpose of enhancing and pushing me towards who I really was, who I really am. Sometimes we are so quick to dismiss people whose sheer idea seems inconsistent with whom we think we are, but these people that we dismiss could very well be the door to who we really are. Open your eyes to the people that are so blatantly there, they see you when you wake up, and when you go to bed. These people could very well be the ones who you call your true friend in the end.

Hmm, Taste Like Soup

Isn’t life supposed to be like in the movies when you try this way and that way and up and down and confuse yourself, and just when you have reached the point of loss and despair, the solution shines down on you like a beacon of hope from God, like a needle in a haystack, like a glorious savior? Isn’t it supposed to end that way for me? From what I can tell, no, it’s not. Oh yes I have been through the trials and tribulations, the hardships and struggles, and just when I reach the point of loss and despair, what do I get? More loss and despair. It seems like life hands us solutions not every time there is a problem, but rather when you there is nothing to solve. The sad truth is that so often, when we seek out the answers to questions that plague our existence, we only end up with more questions that baffle us to the point of no return. But sometimes, if you think about it, and I know thinking about it is exactly what you don’t want to do, but bear with me and think about it…just being in that place, and being in that circumstance is something is very well the solution. Maybe the fact that we are in the predicament can be commentary on the solution to the problem that we have or at least think we have. There are two ways to look at a problem: how can I solve it or how can I use it. So many people search for the answer the way to solve the issue at hand, but maybe the proper approach could lie in the process of using a problem to your advantage. Maybe then, we could happen upon a solution, or maybe then we could happen upon something much, much better.