Between A Rock And A Hard Place

Is there something that's bigger than a crush, but not quite love?

Can what you feel for a person go deeper than just a crush, but you don't know the person enough to quite call it love? It's almost like when you see that person, or you think of that person you get happy and sad and mad and glad. You think of the wonderful things, and you think of the terrible things, and you think of the things that literally tear you up inside. You think of the time that that person made you laugh, and you can't help but laugh, and then because you laugh, you cry because this person most likely won't know.

You see, you are stuck in this awkward spot with this person, because what you feel for this person is irrational. To the logical person, to your own logical mind, this does not make a lick of sense. You want to say that everything has it's place and that you can explain this, but there are no words for this.

Maybe you have only seen this person a hand full of times, but when were together, what was there was so real, that it actually hurts. Maybe you know this person well, and there is something so established as friendship, that you won't let yourself go farther. Maybe you know this person wants someone else while you want them, and there is no chance for you to get them. Maybe a handshake and a smile set you off, and you can't even think straight when just the thought or mention of them crosses your path.

And the biggest problem is that this is an awkward places, because crushes are fun and they give you butterflies and something to happily obsess about, and when you are in love, that's an all consuming time in your life where you are happy to follow the person, to do whatever they want with an open mind and heart. This limbo sucks because you are past the point of having fun, and pass the point of butterflies, and you are not able to trespasses into the land of in-love bliss. You having feeling of dread and want and hope that the person will magically see you, like SEE you, and know that you are it, but you know that this isn't happening and you know it.

What do you do? Nothing really. You just live with it, and take it one day at a time, and as the saying goes, time heals all wounds.

My Oh My Oh My Oh, My Booooo

"There's always that one person that will always have your heart. You never see it coming cause you're blinded from the start."

How many of us can relate?

Whether it's your first love or your biggest crush, when you look back on them or look right at them, you feel the same love sick way you always have. It's a little sickening, but can't help it because if you could, you soo would. It's like, why would you ever pine after a guy or girl that you know you will never be with, when you could go for the nice, safe choice, the one who you know will treat you well, and always love you? However, that would mean that life is easy and safe, and  thats just nonsense.

If you think about it, there is that one person who you were in love with (and still are) and it's an interesting feeling. You have butterflies and your head starts to hurt, and you wanna impress them so badly. You wanna talk for hours and kiss them, and just be held by them, and you know that is never going to happen. Now a more positive person would say why couldn't you be with them, but you can simply say it's not really meant to be. That person does not see you like that, and while you could put yourself out there, what good would that do you, but drive the stake even further in your heart.

What I'm trying to say, is that there is always that one person who will always have your heart, and that's okay. You can love someone else, you can move on and live a healthy life. It's natural and expect, and life would not be life if it was any other way.

This Close.

Have you ever felt truly unappreciated?

I'm talking about those times when you truly put yourself out there, when you wear that shirt with a little bit more boob or that tight skirt and know that this is your time to be recognized, it's your time to let him know how you feel, and right when the time is right, you watch the person who you were going to make yours fall right into the arms of another girl.

It's like that scene from 27 Dresses when Jane finally gets up the nerve to tell George that she loves him, after she thinks that he sent her flowers. She is so excited and ready to let him know exactly she fells, how she felt about him, and right when she is about to let him know, he finds the eyes of her sister. Jane can't even be properly feel bad because neither her sister nor her boss (George) know how she feels, so she walks away, sad and dejected at the turn of events.

For most of the movie, Jane still longs for the man she can't have, torn up by the time she spent longing after him, while trying to muster the strength to be the bigger person and be happy for her sister, but in the end, the attempts wind up blowing up in her face. I often times, if not every time find myself in a place where I almost find the nerve to finally let him know, finally give him my heart and mind, and right in the nick of time, he finds my friend or my teammate or my dog...basically anyone who is close enough to me, but not quite.

Jane does eventually realize that the person who was there the whole time was actually the one, but that's a romantic comedy ending, and life just isn't about that. Life is about the moments where life lures you into thinking that things are going your way, and snatching the rug from under your thoughts and hopes. Yeah, that sounds right about right.

Bitter sounding? Maybe. Real? Most definitely. I keep telling myself that eventually this will stop happening, but at this point, I'm starting to lose hope and faith in this, and it's getting harder and harder to keep my chin up. I'm this close to throwing in the towel because the pain that I tell myself won't happen because nothing actually happened is more than real.

D, None Of The Above

I want something or someone so badly, but I can't have them...at least right now. Now what do I do?

A situation this sticky sucks, and many of us have been there...again and again. I have a few options: I could wait, I could be angry at them, I could be sad with myself, or I could let him know and actually have an answer so I can move forward away from him or toward him. Currently, I am in this situation where I want a person, but the time is all wrong, and they aren't ready. What to do what to do?

A: Here's what could happen if I wait:

So he's not ready now, but he will be ready at some point right? I will just give him his space; I will give him time to see that I'm exactly what he needs. Sure he's sprung over that girl, sure he wants to experience the world, sure he wants to be a bachelor, but I'm here and he has to know that I'm better than that, that I can give him exactly what he needs and wants. I will just wait for him to realize this, subtly sending him hints that I like him.

Two years later, I am still pining, and he is finally ready to put himself out there......to be with that other girl. Perfect.

So this is a no.

B: Here's what could happen if I get angry:

I would lash out. I would write hate letters to him. I would pick up song writing and then write a song about his life would suck with me and how he is making a mistake not loving me then and there. I would become a poet so that I could write a sonnet about how much he's missing out on, how this body could have been his, how this mind could have been his, how this heart could have been his, but he missed out so he's gonna regret that for life.

I'm bitter, and anger takes up time so I waste an interesting amount of time being angry, and no time getting over it.

Yeah, I don't think so.

C: Here's what could happen if I got sad:

I would mope, wallow, and cry. I would search out every song in the world about a broken heart. I would drive down the road, turn the sad song all the way up, and then cry some more. I would question, ponder, and look out of it. Everything would be a trigger, a reminder of what I could have had, of what I wanted so badly but I could not make happen. I would start a blog making a call for all the hearts that have been broken by someone close.

I'm just stuck in this mindset of being sad, and I cannot move forward. I cannot taste freedom so I sit around, and I'm sad.

Somehow, that doesn't sound appealing either.

D: Here's what I should do:

Me: Hey, um do you want to go to the [fun activity that couples can do] together and then maybe get something to eat?

Him: [It doesn't matter what he says]

You or I or we need to put ourselves out there before we get to any of these points of pining or anger or sadness. We need to test the waters just to at least know if there is any chance. If he answers sure why not, but then he's on his phone, he did it because he likes you as a friend and not much more, and he does not know how to say so, so save him and you the trouble and pay attention. If he says sure why not, and then he is attentive the whole time, engaging in conversation with the occasional flirt, then there may be hope. If he says, um I don't like museums so I'm gonna pass, what he really means is that he doesn't like you so I'm gonna pass. If a guy likes a girl he will do just about anything to spend time with her. Either way, at least you know what the answer to the ever-plaguing question, does he like me, is.

Now it's time for me to follow my own advice.

Don't Ignore The Process

How do you know you like someone? How do you know what you are feeling is worth the effort and time to let that person know? How do you know it's not a severe case of lust and idealism? How do you know you aren't making something out of nothing? Making more of what isn't?

You want to believe that because he talked to you, and you were laughing that he's into you. You want to believe that he values your friendship so he secretly wants you. You want to believe that because he hugged you that one time or he talked to you that one time or he looked at you that one time that all signs are saying go, and that it's time to pounce. But is that really all we get? A look, a conversation, a laugh? These mundane activities that we participate in day in and day out are the things that are supposed to dictate what we do and how we approach the opposite sex?

Now some would say its not just those things; it's also about the chemistry that you feel with a person, it's about the way you laugh, and the way he looks at you, and the way he talks to you. It's about this invincible aura that lets us know when to go.

We have this blurred, skewed way of viewing the other person's interactions in a way that let's us believe that we are sure to avoid rejection. I would like to believe that it is just that simple; that a few glances, a few laughs, a little good time makes for a beautiful relationship, but I am inclined to think that this sets us up for a friendship, that though has the undertones of what we might call a relationship, is actually a person that we genuinely get along with as a friend.

Girls always talk about how they never have guy friends and how guys never like them, blah blah blah. I have a hunch that it is because these girls, who are so eager to read signs as a green light to go for the guy are actually getting the green light to be friends with the guy. And when these girls actually go for it, and then are inevitable rejected, they lose the chance to be friends with a great person. Sometimes, when one wants to build a relationship, it might make a little more sense to be friends with a guy, to have fun, and enjoy the guy as a friend, rather than forcing the idea of a relationship on him when you don't even know him. I could be wrong but I feel like this has some merit. Instead of trying to boyfriend everything we see, maybe we should try to just friend everything we see, and just that. No ulterior motives, no hidden agendas, just a girl being a friend with a guy. And who knows, this process could lead to much more.

Turn About is Fair Play

I just like the next person want love, that happily ever after. But one has to realize that just because you are desperately in love with someone does not mean that they have to love you. That is the craziest and hardest thing to hear. In my mind, maybe not in everyone else's, but definitely in my mind, if I make the realization that I like someone, I feel that they are obligated to like me back. I feel like it's their duty as the object of my interest to do me due justice and return the feelings, but the reality is that THEY DON'T HAVE TO LIKE ME. I sometimes want so badly to believe that there is some reciprocated feelings between me that I would go through every single piece of contact we ever had, be it physical or mental, near or far, and morph that more into evidence that they surely love me. I do it all the time, and while it makes me feel better, it never amounts to me being heart broken in the end.

It seems that humans live in this delusion that life is supposed to work in the way we want it to work exactly when we think it should, and what's sad is that we really think that there is a problem when things aren't moving in our time. We have to learn that we can only have our feelings and put them out there. And not just this, but realize that the other person is under no obligation to like us back. No matter how much you pray, hope, plead, and want, they don't like you because they don't like you. They are under no oath to give you reason as to why they aren't in total love with you, or why the friendship will never be more to them, or why they can't stand your presence.

I feel like one of the few places where a person is entitled to not like someone is in the matters of the heart. I can choose to like someone with all my heart, and they can dislike me because my nose bothers them, or because they think I'm annoying, or for no reason at all: just that they don't like me. If they don't like you, why should there be a detailed reason as to they aren't feeling your swag. A person can not like you even if you know that you would be perfect together. And that's the worst: seeing that special someone with a person that you know is nowhere as good as you are for them.

And interesting turn about of this situation is when you don't like the person who longs after you. You may not even realize it or you might, but there is probably someone who longs after you, who pines after your sheer existence, and wants so badly for you to say hello or catch a glimpse or just pass by them so that they can bask in your existence. Now this is not a means to blow up yours or my ego, but this is the sad cycle of life. There is some boy or girl out there who sees you walking across campus, and they run to their diaries and write about how sexy you looked in your white tee or how sexy your strut was because you looked like you owned the world, and how they are positive that they saw you look at them when you walked by, and how you swear that their look was lingered and just for you. It's funny, that in these situations of crushes and love, you aren't in alone; we all want that special love in our lives.

But as life goes, you long for someone that you may seriously think you have chance with or someone who you know there is no chance in hell of you having a relationship with because...well because of no particular reason. And while nothing is wrong with this, there is a certain duty we owe to ourselves to recognize this and accept it as part of life. So the next time you are seriously crushing on someone and they turn you down flat, think of all the people who you might have done just that too, and rest assured that you are not alone.

Dying-In-Silence Syndrome

I am a sufferer of dying-in-silence syndrome. When I say die in silence, I don't mean watch while a major tragedy hits a nation, killing man, woman, and child because that's not dying in silence, that's just wrong. I mean watching a person who you like so much from a far, secretly (or not so secretly) pining after them but never actually saying a word.

Like for instance, there was this time during eighth and ninth grade when I had this huge crush on this guy. Now he was of course 3 years older than me, and for a girl then, that is a BIG age difference, but the heart wants what the heart wants, and mine wanted him. We went to the same church and he was exactly what I wanted. He was tall, dark, and tall. (When you are that young, you want so few things in life) Our misguided fates were sealed when we had a church retreat where we played capture the flag, and I was so fast that I caught him. He got so mad at me that later on be burst a balloon on my back. I knew then, it was love.

With time, these feelings only intensified. I had an older brother who was in high school with him, and my brother brought home the school newspaper. One day, I was totally bored, so I read this newspaper, gathering knowledge about the school that I was soon to attend. I learned the rules, regulations, and tricks of a trade. I then ran across his name in the newspaper, but he was linked to this other girl who was his age. Now this was the time before facebook and myspace, so I could not check his availability, but based on the articles, he had a girlfriend. I was of course crushed.

Oh but a ray of sunshine slipped through when I found out that she had moved to Texas, and he was available, just for me, or so I thought. When the time for high school arrived, I knew that I would make my move, or at least I would be hot enough that he would make his;alas this never happened. I remember vividly, catching his eye or spotting him across campus, and then rushing home to jot down my thoughts in my diary, thoughts of us being together and marrying and living happily ever after. But as the year wound down, I didn't actually do anything. I simply died in silence.

Do I regret that? No not really, because as they say hindsight is 20/20. I do sometimes wonder not if we would get together, but how this would ever happen. I DID NOT have the guts to approach him, and he didn't even know me. I know I set myself up to be disappointed, but from that I learned a valuable lesson. Silence does not achieve anything. Action does. I know this is easier said than done, and trust me, I am currently suffering from this syndrome, but as I grow older, I'm breaking my silence. Not overtly of course, but rather little by little until I can come out and just say it.