Dying-In-Silence Syndrome

I am a sufferer of dying-in-silence syndrome. When I say die in silence, I don't mean watch while a major tragedy hits a nation, killing man, woman, and child because that's not dying in silence, that's just wrong. I mean watching a person who you like so much from a far, secretly (or not so secretly) pining after them but never actually saying a word.

Like for instance, there was this time during eighth and ninth grade when I had this huge crush on this guy. Now he was of course 3 years older than me, and for a girl then, that is a BIG age difference, but the heart wants what the heart wants, and mine wanted him. We went to the same church and he was exactly what I wanted. He was tall, dark, and tall. (When you are that young, you want so few things in life) Our misguided fates were sealed when we had a church retreat where we played capture the flag, and I was so fast that I caught him. He got so mad at me that later on be burst a balloon on my back. I knew then, it was love.

With time, these feelings only intensified. I had an older brother who was in high school with him, and my brother brought home the school newspaper. One day, I was totally bored, so I read this newspaper, gathering knowledge about the school that I was soon to attend. I learned the rules, regulations, and tricks of a trade. I then ran across his name in the newspaper, but he was linked to this other girl who was his age. Now this was the time before facebook and myspace, so I could not check his availability, but based on the articles, he had a girlfriend. I was of course crushed.

Oh but a ray of sunshine slipped through when I found out that she had moved to Texas, and he was available, just for me, or so I thought. When the time for high school arrived, I knew that I would make my move, or at least I would be hot enough that he would make his;alas this never happened. I remember vividly, catching his eye or spotting him across campus, and then rushing home to jot down my thoughts in my diary, thoughts of us being together and marrying and living happily ever after. But as the year wound down, I didn't actually do anything. I simply died in silence.

Do I regret that? No not really, because as they say hindsight is 20/20. I do sometimes wonder not if we would get together, but how this would ever happen. I DID NOT have the guts to approach him, and he didn't even know me. I know I set myself up to be disappointed, but from that I learned a valuable lesson. Silence does not achieve anything. Action does. I know this is easier said than done, and trust me, I am currently suffering from this syndrome, but as I grow older, I'm breaking my silence. Not overtly of course, but rather little by little until I can come out and just say it.