Internal Warfare

You know what's the worst: being a sure person who has no clue. I wanna say I have it all figured out, and usually, I do have it all figured out, but I am at a point in my life where I have nothing figured out, where things are in a state of turmoil and confusion, and truly it sucks. I like to have all my plans well laid out so at least there is some guideline to follow but every aspect of my life is unsure, undecided, and just plain unclear. It's a classic case of being at war with your own mind. There is the third world war taking place in my mind, and I don't know what to do. I get sick to my stomach imagining all the turmoil I find myself in, and it is disheartening.

Career-wise, I am totally clueless. I am being pulled in 14342 directions by my own mind and that is frustrating. Being at war with myself sucks, because no matter if I win, I lose, because I was on the other side. I want to do the smart thing, but I want to do the thing that will make me happy, but I want to do the thing that will make...oh I don't even know, I'm just at a loss, and it's really frustrating.

In the midst of writing this, my life found a way to get a little bit harder. I'm working at a good company this summer, and it's really cool, but it is in no way what I want to do. It's semi-resume building, but with the way school is for me, I need a little better than semi. And then there is this other company that I am being interviewed for, and this company is resume building, and might just be exactly what I want to do with my life, like we are talking career worthy. I thought maybe I can just quit the one job I am currently at, and go for the better one, but then the job I am at currently wants me to meet with the Human Resources because I was referred by someone big, like huge in the company. Now while this would normally be amazing, I am in the midst of being interviewed for a better job, and I don't want to let anyone go, but that is just not an option. I am freaking out.

Of course, there is the confusion of the opposite sex. I am an outgoing person when it comes to everything but men I am interested in. In that area I falter, and it seems like this is the time for me to step out of my shell, get out of the friend territory, and show my true colors so when that the special someone comes along I am available, but of course I am at war with myself, and I won't let myself out of my cage long enough to let a person know how I feel. So I am beating myself up for not going after what I want, but the reason I won't go after what I want is because I keep telling myself I'm not ready. I want to be more than a friend to that person, but I would lose the comfort that I find in the friend zone. Once again, a battle that I cannot win.

Basically, in everything that is near and dear to me has found a way to confuse and frighten me, and it's really hard. I want to make everyone happy, especially myself, but how can I make me happy, when I don't know what me wants. Usually, there is some answer tied up in a bow, waiting to be picked up by our minds, but this time, I have none. My answer is to keep searching for answers. Maybe it will resolve itself, or maybe it's time I, you, we, got off our asses, and decided that we weren't done until an answer is received. *Sigh* And I'm told it only gets harder.